Friday, June 29th, 2012
Unedited Version Of Myself
Warning: A lot of rambling and the hardest post I’ve ever had to hit the publish button on. I’ve proof read this post about 348394 times in the last hour and as I get ready to push that button my heart is already beating irregular and my chest is all blotchy. (You’ll understand why after you read this.)
I’ve been wanting to post something like this for awhile now, but I tend to type it up and then delete it a few days later or I just don’t know how to form the sentences. Most of the time I start it and can never finish it. So who knows if I will ever push the “publish” button on this. But after reading so many bloggers Haven 2012 recaps, I know I need to get this off of my chest. Because I think I’m holding myself back from Haven 2013. Let me rephrase that, I know I’m holding myself back from Haven 2013 and I’m terrified.
So let’s just get into it, shall we.
I don’t want people thinking that I’m something or someone I’m not. I have no idea how I come across thru this blog or what people thing of me, or Travis, or my life. I have no idea the first impressions that I gave to anyone that came onto Mailbox Journey for the first time. These are things that people normally tell you and then you’re in shock about how you come across and then you change your ways of blogging.
I’ve been trying to put as much of myself into my blog (& the blogs’ twitter & instagram accounts) as I can. I just want people to know the real me, and I guess like me for the real me. I’ve been trying to live by this quote:Your blog is your unedited version of yourself.
Nothing is perfect on this blog. I’ve tweaked this layout 349839428 times because I’m slightly OCD when it comes to layouts looking perfect. One day it looks great, the next day I hate it. I don’t take beautiful pictures either. I’ve had my DSLR for two years now and I’m still learning how to work the darn thing. I use to be really into photography when I was a teenager, and then the “real-world” took over my life.
My life is not perfect. My car breaks down all the time. Travis and I fight about the most ridiculous things. I don’t own an awesome wardrobe, I’m lucky that I even found an outfit that matches to wear to work today, well okay. It sort-of matches. I don’t have an amazing career, in fact, I don’t even have a career, I have a job and I don’t even like my job. I don’t have oodles & oodles of money, I’m still working on paying around $17,000 of debt off. I hate the city I live in, and most days our apartment too.
All of this brings me back to the top of this post; Things I’m afraid to tell you.
I’m Awkward. Seriously. I’m the shyest person you’ve probably ever met. I really hate being in a room of people that I don’t know or being introduced to a bunch of people at once. My tongue basically disappears and I don’t have any words to say. If I’m just being introduced to one person, I can handle it. Otherwise, my anxiety is thru the roof.
I have an anxiety disorder. I haven’t taken medicine for it since I was 17 because I know I can conquer this on my own. When I’m not stressed out, my anxiety just about disappears. But when I’m stressed, which is about 98% of the time, I’m a mess. I’m really, really hard on myself. I don’t know why, maybe it has to do with constantly trying to get someone’s approval or having someone say they are proud of me. Whatever it is, I’m trying to work thru it. But with the mixture of the stress + constant approval from people I get panic attacks, heart palptations, irregular heartbeats, and heat flashes, and a red blotchy rash all over my chest.
I have a drug-abuse & depression filled past. I had a really rough time from the time I hit middle school until I was 19. Between the changes that came from middle school (hello gossip & two-faced people), my grandparents passing away 6 months apart and the other crazy things that happened in my life I was a mess. I hated everything and everyone, including myself. I was put on medicine, a heart monitor and I saw a therapist a few times. Which by the way, none of that helped. If I have anyone to thank for pulling me out of the complete mess I got myself in, it was Travis. He just kind of grabbed me and yanked me out of the world I was living in. I am so clear headed now, but I’m still dealing with the consequences for everything that happened in my past and trying to sort out my life.
I don’t get along with girls. Don’t take offense to this at all. I have NOT had any issues with any of the girls that comment on this blog. In fact, I think you girls are all awesome and I wonder why my high school was not filled with girls like you. But anyways, thru high school I had one true friend that was a girl. The rest were completely two-faced or “too cool” to even be seen standing next to me. I didn’t really fit into a “clique” in high school. I talked to “the nerds” and I was friends with “the dirties”, and “the jocks” and even some of “the druggies”. So, I just kind of talked to whoever was nice. If you were nice to me, then I was nice to you. I still dealt with my share of “bullying” even though I was being nice to everyone. The typical short jokes, and I even had to deal with some other bashing, because one of my closest friends throughout my childhood decided it was best not to talk to me anymore because she was now in the “in” crowd. But looking back I only had 1 friend that was a girl that I am still friends with to this day. The rest of my friend were dudes, and in college, dudes. So imagine my shock when I enter the blog world, which is mostly dominated by girls, and I actually get along with them and everyone is so nice to each other.
But this brings me to my next point. I was really hoping to really, really connect with someone thru this whole blog thing. We all envy the Sherry Petersik & Katie Bower love fest going on, and I thought maybe possibly I’d find that whole life-twin thing like Jes & Shannon have going on. Because let’s face it. I have NO ONE to talk to about anything in my life. I don’t get along with my sister most days, Travis is usually working when I need to vent, and my friend from high school is now married and has a child, so I really don’t want to call her up to vent about anything, when she’s trying to feed her son. Basically, I haven’t had a “best friend” (besides Travis) since 11th grade. I’ve done this whole “hold everything in and explode thing” because I don’t tell anyone anything. I don’t trust people. I hate judgmental people. and I just don’t “click” with anybody.
I did this whole blog thing so I could escape from my job, to lower my stress level, to be creative again, to have fun and just maybe to find a BFF. I’ve pretty much accomplished most of that, and I’m still loving this whole blog-world thing. My readers are amazing, the comments you all leave me make me smile, and I love all of the inspiration I see on a daily basis, but I haven’t really truly connected with anybody. I kind of feel like a loner, I guess. Which is what I’ve felt like my entire life. A Loner. Me against the world. Nobodies got your back but yourself. & I guess I’m just sick of playing that role.
So, basically what I’m trying to say through all of this rambling, is that I’m going to try to come out of my shell & my comfort zone and be as real as possible in this blogging journey. I’m here. I’m weird. I’m real. Until you know, someone mentions this post to me face to face, and I change the subject or run off into a hole. & if you see me at Haven 2013 or SNAP 2013, the end of the world is probably coming. Or I just started to feel like I belong.